"hold me down and bring me back up again until i can't tell the difference" - Local Natives

got my 2nd year exam results this evening.

i was jumping and running and crying all at once.

thats how happy i was to know that I PASSED. lol 

didn't even know how well i did, was just way too happy that i passed. 

my dad kinda ruined it tho. also kinda regret telling him. 

he thought there was nothing to be proud of if i didn't get first class. 

i don't even know since when did my dad actually really care if i get all As or first class for every exam. cause he never did. 

i remember in high school, whatever my results were, he'd always told me i did good enough. 

so calling my dad to let him know about my results few hours ago wasn't one of the best decisions i made in life. 

but its ok. i'm still fine. (tho i don't really sound like it) (but i'm really ok) 

literally right now, the only thing i look forward to is having my friends back at home, especially Amirah and Mimi (God knows how long we haven't seen each other) 

so for the past 2 months, i don't exactly know what have i done to myself and my life. 

there's probably only one word to describe myself at that moment and 

it would be vulnerable. 

and at one point, i just felt so numb. i felt nothing. not sad and also not happy. 

but i feel super emotional now that i'm listening to Wait by M83. zzz (the music i tell u, it brings out all the emotions u've been suppressing inside) LOL

well anyways, i'm kind of just really tired of falling into attachments again and getting hurt over and over again. 

one night, i thought nobody is ever gonna get attracted by my looks. i know i sure as hell don't look attractive at all at the coffee shop i'm currently working at. 

lol this is not relatable but i thought about it when i was sweeping and mopping the floor. i thought people would think i'm the cleaner or something. 

BUT THEN AGAIN, so what if i'm a cleaner?!?!?! what cleaners don't deserve to feel loved or something?!?!?!? 

i was kind of disappointed w myself to even start thinking that way, u know... 

ok great, now i'm listening to Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran. -___-

(fyi i didn't put my songs on shuffle, i just went to my emo playlist for fun while blogging) Lol i didn't realize my emo playlist is this emo. 

yeah back to being a cleaner. i mean, come on. everyone deserves to be loved. 

people should never look at u on the outside and judge. (even if u're a stripper) 

i'm sure there's a whole bunch of people out there who are doing things not by their own choice. 

and u cant blame them for that. they didn't choose to be that way. 

well, u could say they could do something else, something more noble blablabla and bla. 

but we don't know their struggle, so we have no rights at all to judge. 

i'm kind of running out of point here, but yeah, we all have our flaws and the people around us love us for who we are. and someday, somebody is probably gonna come into ur life (and probably leave or maybe never leave). but that should never be a problem as long as u have yourself! 

thats all i need, at least. i need myself. and my Creator, of course. 

so my point is that, i have been happy and then down and then happy again then down and the cycle keeps going to a point where i just couldn't feel anything anymore. 

i think i'm currently at the centre of the life wheel. 

can't decide if that's a good thing or not. but yeah, that's about it. 

the title of this post is from the song Black Balloons by Local Natives which pretty much explains how i feel now.