hello
as I'm writing this, im feeling very very low.
lowest I've ever felt.
idk where to start.
my written paper is in 5 days from now and i am very very unprepared.
its my final year and final exams.
can't afford to feel like shit. but i am feeling like shit.
i would continue feeling like shit for the next one week or so and u, my blog, are going to be where i lean on to express this sadness.
I've been in a relationship for 2 years plus now.
we didn't exactly have a good start.
the starting point was pretty much shaky.
i don't even know how we got here if u ask me.
when we agreed to be together, we didn't think far.
we just wanted to be in the moment and enjoy the present.
he always says that u should never do things that ud regret in the future.
he also says that he's never regretted all this.
but if u ask me, i do.
i regret the night we first kissed, i regret the night we agreed to do this with each other.
i wish all of those had never happened.
all that took 2 years of my life.
2 years of ups and downs (like most relationships). but to be honest, more downs than ups.
the difference between us and most relationships is that i became too attached and dependent
that i lost myself.
i became this person i dont want to be.
this person who expects things from him, always wants more than what he's already given, gets disappointed when my expectations are not met, and takes the disappointment out on him.
its unfair for him. its torturing for him.
but what he doesn't understand is that this whole relationship is torturing for me too.
i feel like shit most of the time and i know its not his job to make me happy.
but i still expect him to care more, to show more. show that he appreciates me.
i just dont feel appreciated enough. and i get really really upset when i feel unappreciated.
people and he dont understand how exhausting this is for me.
i love him, still. a lot.
but at this point, im just not happy anymore because im exhausted from feeling like shit.
idk if uve ever felt so hurt that u could actually feel ur heart being crushed to pieces. but i have.
not being dramatic but it really is physically painful.
im hurt that he chooses not to talk to me in this period of time.
the time when i need him the most.
and it hurts more thinking that he doesn't even feel the same way.
because if he did, he would come and talk to me.
and it hurts even more having to pretend like everything's okay when really, for me, things are just falling apart.
i have exams coming and i can't even properly focus because i just keep thinking about how much i want to end it. like right now.
cause im so so sooooo tired. just so tired of feeling so low.
its like having 2 heavy weights on my shoulders. one being passing final year and another one is this relationship.
things would at least be slightly easier if i could just take one weight off my shoulder.
what i really want right now is strength. strength to carry these 2 weights simultaneously
my heart is so heavy. and i really really feel like giving up.
i really wish i could just throw this life away and start a new one.
im really tired.
as I'm writing this, im feeling very very low.
lowest I've ever felt.
idk where to start.
my written paper is in 5 days from now and i am very very unprepared.
its my final year and final exams.
can't afford to feel like shit. but i am feeling like shit.
i would continue feeling like shit for the next one week or so and u, my blog, are going to be where i lean on to express this sadness.
I've been in a relationship for 2 years plus now.
we didn't exactly have a good start.
the starting point was pretty much shaky.
i don't even know how we got here if u ask me.
when we agreed to be together, we didn't think far.
we just wanted to be in the moment and enjoy the present.
he always says that u should never do things that ud regret in the future.
he also says that he's never regretted all this.
but if u ask me, i do.
i regret the night we first kissed, i regret the night we agreed to do this with each other.
i wish all of those had never happened.
all that took 2 years of my life.
2 years of ups and downs (like most relationships). but to be honest, more downs than ups.
the difference between us and most relationships is that i became too attached and dependent
that i lost myself.
i became this person i dont want to be.
this person who expects things from him, always wants more than what he's already given, gets disappointed when my expectations are not met, and takes the disappointment out on him.
its unfair for him. its torturing for him.
but what he doesn't understand is that this whole relationship is torturing for me too.
i feel like shit most of the time and i know its not his job to make me happy.
but i still expect him to care more, to show more. show that he appreciates me.
i just dont feel appreciated enough. and i get really really upset when i feel unappreciated.
people and he dont understand how exhausting this is for me.
i love him, still. a lot.
but at this point, im just not happy anymore because im exhausted from feeling like shit.
idk if uve ever felt so hurt that u could actually feel ur heart being crushed to pieces. but i have.
not being dramatic but it really is physically painful.
im hurt that he chooses not to talk to me in this period of time.
the time when i need him the most.
and it hurts more thinking that he doesn't even feel the same way.
because if he did, he would come and talk to me.
and it hurts even more having to pretend like everything's okay when really, for me, things are just falling apart.
i have exams coming and i can't even properly focus because i just keep thinking about how much i want to end it. like right now.
cause im so so sooooo tired. just so tired of feeling so low.
its like having 2 heavy weights on my shoulders. one being passing final year and another one is this relationship.
things would at least be slightly easier if i could just take one weight off my shoulder.
what i really want right now is strength. strength to carry these 2 weights simultaneously
my heart is so heavy. and i really really feel like giving up.
i really wish i could just throw this life away and start a new one.
im really tired.
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